The Modest You

By Bridgette Kohnertz

I’m starting to feel a bit old fashioned, but I don’t really understand that expression. When I see it written out, it looks as ridiculous as it sounds, right? So why do I allow it?

I know my friends and I are all comfortable in our circle, we say things to each other that I didn’t think was leaving an impact. But thinking about it again, what started as replacing names with derogatory terms has now turned into an addiction to degrading one another and ourselves for fun. I’ve recently noticed that when a person from outside our friend group makes a similar comment that we would consider as ‘appropriate’, we take offence to it.

I’ve started to wonder about the meaning of self-deprecation, and how it’s defined as an act of reprimanding ourselves by allowing, under-valuing, being excessively modest, or creating some kind of humour or tension release. I’ve now come to realise that this hits a little too close to home. This has me thinking that we seem to admire the people who don’t take themselves too seriously, and we often applaud self-deprecation. In turn, this allows people to think that it’s acceptable for them to make the same jokes about you, as you do about yourself, in front of them. Myself being one of these people, I often think “we find humour in self-deprecation; we gain some sort of high from the laughs directed back at us, but are we just creating our own self-degradation in the eyes of others?”

For years, I’ve attempted to master my own modest inclinations. I have a pocket full of one-liners for when I start to feel self-conscious and in need of some sort of reaction. However, I don’t know if I do it for reassurance or to gain a laugh from the person I’m emitting it to. I guess the real question I’m starting to ask myself is “what am I allowing other people to think of me?” If they hear me saying these things, then it must be okay for them to say it as well, right? Well, no. Human nature doesn’t work that way; I don’t want to feel like the victim. When someone outside my circle uses my modesty for his or her own amusement, I feel somewhat dejected. I’ve allowed them to think I’m okay with using my flaws and mishaps for the expense of making them laugh. I’ve always liked to be witty, I don’t mind being the centre of a joke, but I think it’s causing more harm than humour down the line.

When I deprecate, I’m belittling myself, thus creating a faux sense that I’m unimportant, possibly that I’m not good enough? Every time this occurs I am making it easier for myself to lose any confidence that I had in my merits and capabilities.

I believe that if you know you’re good at something, you should express it. If you don’t voice your abilities and skills, then no one else is going to know about it. It’s never good to be overly modest, even if it makes you fun to be around. These deprecating remarks that you make are no good to your reputation in the end. Especially when someone hears them, they might choose to believe you, taking what you said out of context. But if someone else was to ever repeat those negative things you said about yourself, it’s definitely more hurtful.

From now on, I’m going to think before making that belittling comment about myself just for those few laughs that won’t last long, and I’ll remember what it’s doing to me in the long run. Nothing. It’s causing myself, and the people around me to believe in these false remarks. I’m better than that. We all are!